


What happens in Loo Loo Land, doesn't always stay in Loo Loo Land

by mlavier



Category: Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: Also Crack, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eggpreg, Fanart, Gen, Interns & Internships, Italian Mafia, Loo Loo Land, Magic, Memory Loss, Stella is definetly the bad guy in this one, a bit angsty maybe, fankid, okay thats enough tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:28:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28956477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mlavier/pseuds/mlavier
Summary: One sunny day in hell a weird kid turns up at IMP, asking for an internship.Whats the worst that could happen?
Relationships: Blitzo/Stolas Goetia
Comments: 9
Kudos: 106





	What happens in Loo Loo Land, doesn't always stay in Loo Loo Land

**Author's Note:**

> Heads up, if you don't like fankids this story probably isn't your cup o' tea!
> 
> if u see a typo just ignore it! have fun!!! :D

"Bliiiiiitz, there's some tall weirdass looking kid here!" Loona yelled, loud enough to wake up the Boss from his well deserved afternoon nap. Groaning, Blitz got up and headed out of his office. 

"We're not a fucking daycare" he snapped at the tall imp boy standing in front of the hellhounds receptionist desk. "Whaddaya want?" he asked grumpily.

The black haired teenager shily clutched the documents in his hands. 

"H-Hi, my name is Juniper" the lanky bastard introduced himself. "I'm here because I wanted to ask for a small internship? My school is mandating everyone to do one next week and-" 

"Gonna stop you right there kiddo, we don't do that shit at IMP. Get lost!" Blitz said, ushering the boy towards the exit door. What audacity, to interrupt his precious shuteye for this stupid busllshit.

"Stop, please! Mrs. Mayberry sent me here!" the kid yelled desperate, wildly waving around with his papers. 

"Mayberry?" Blitz asked, stopping the process of shoving the kid out. "Purple lady with anger management issues? " he inquired. 

"Yes, she's our teacher at Hell High" the teenage imp said, excitedly swishing around his odd looking forked tail. "She was also the one to suggest me your company! You guys track and kill people in the living world, right?" he inquired curiously.

"Yeah, we do." Blitz confirmed. Then he pushed the boy outside.

"But I'm not gonna pay some junior twink like yourself for loafing around all day and asking stupid questions" he made clear, and went to slam the door shut in front of the tall kids face. 

"Nonono, You don't need to pay me anything, I swear!" the boy insisted, shoving his horned head back through the door before it was completely closed. "I just want to see how you guys work! I can totally help!" he insisted "I swear, I'm really good at tracking down people! Promise!!!!" he tried again, looking down to Blitz with big, hopeful eyes. 

After a few moments of consideration, the Boss slowly opened the door again. They actually could use help with locating some of their targets.

"Ugh fine, whatever" he rolled his eyes. "But make sure to bring along some iced coffee on your first day, like a proper fucking intern."

"Awesome" the kid smiled, holding out the large paper stack in his hands to the other imp. "You just need to fill these out for me."

Blitz grabbed the documents with an exhausted, overly dramatic groan. 

  
  


~~~

  
  


A few days later, It was once again the full moon, much to Blitz's dismay. Or rather to his inconvenience. Fucking with Stolas once a month wasn't too bad, maybe even fun if he was being honest. Heck, they'd even had a few unofficial encounters in between. The annoying part was having to deal with the clinginess and excessive vocal assault every time. 

The bird and the imp had just slumped back into the sheets after round three, trying to catch their breath. 

"Oh Blitzy, you just know what to do~" the Prince purred at his small lover. "I'd let you rail me anywhere my little Blitzy. You make me scream so loud~" he said, leanin over to nuzzle the imps' horns. 

"Ya know, ya royal dickwad, that kind of reminds me of the first time we fucked." Blitz said, looking up to the ruffled and satisfied bird. 

"Really, how so" the owl asked, playfully toying around with Blitz's tail. 

"You were so fucking hot, bothered and vocal, and we were just about to go at it again when your wife found us. Don't think I've ever heard anyone screech that loud before" the imp laughed, giving the owl a big grin.. 

Stolas hesitated for a moment. "But she didn't find us the first time… You fell off the balcony and dropped into her birthday cake." the Prince pointed out. 

"What, no, the other one! I mean like wayyy back, that one time we had impromptu sex in Loo Loo Land." Blitz elaborated. 

"What are you talking about? " the confused bird asked. 

"The FizzaRolli ‘n Friends tent? I was working there as a clown on the sidelines, and you hit on me during a show?" Blitz reminded him.

"That… doesn't ring any bells..." the prince said, thinking hard. Surely he would have remembered meeting his Blitzy before?! 

"It was way back when your daughter was a little chick?" The imp explained. "She came running crying to me after Fizz pulled one of his usual creepy stunts."

"No way! Via loved that robot jester!" Stolas gasped.

Blitz gave the prince an ‘are u serious’ stare. 

"Dude, she was fucking terrified! You came to pick her up, and then hit on me with one of the worst pickup lines ever. You asked if it was true what they say about guys with big horns, and if you could see my _big top_." He told the bird, rolling his eyes.

Stolas was profoundly confused. Was Blitzy just making up a story on the spot?!

"What happened next?" he asked curiously. 

"While that may have been the worst pickup line ever, I told ya to meet me back out the tent in five minutes. Not every day a goetic prince wants to fuck with ya." the imp shrugged.

"Then we had an epic quickie behind the garbage bins. We were just about to start again, but since you couldn't keep ya loud horny beak shut, your wife found us and almost killed me" Blitz finished his retelling.

He mustered the confused bird looking at him. 

"Seriously, you actually forgot?! I thought that whole thing was why you wanted to fuck me again in the first place" the imp said, visibly offended. 

"I- I'm sorry Blitzy, but I don't remember any of this" the baffled bird stuttered. 

"Wow, guess I'm that forgetable" the imp said, shaking his head. Then he jumped out of bed and quickly put on his pants.

"Imma just leave then." he said, utterly pissed, grabbing the grimoire without even lookin back. 

"Blitzy, I'm sorry I… " the prince tried to explain himself, but the imp was already out the door. 

Stolas stared into the empty air, wondering. 

There was not really any reason for Blitzy to lie to him about this. So if the imp was telling the truth, then why couldn't he remember anything?! 

The prince had a sneaking suspicion why he didn't have any memories for that day, though he prayed to God,Satan and Lucifer that he was wrong about this. 

  
  


~~~

  
  


"Wow, so how exactly did you guys manage to get access to the living world?!" the teenager asked, looking through the portal to the mortal realm in absolute awe. 

"Trademark secret kiddo" Blitz said, as they stepped out into the middle of a giant cornfield. Millie and Moxxie followed right behind them, pulling along a large ancient looking Cannon on wheels. 

"Why are you bringing a cannon? Isn't that rather inefficient?" Juniper wondered, pointing at the old Medieval weapon, which looked as it would fall apart at any second. 

"The client offered to pay us extra, that's why we're using it. Normally we just use guns" Moxxie explained. 

They made their way through the large crops, hacking away at them, like explorers trekking through a jungle. Blitz joyfully hummed the indiana jones theme.

"We're almost at the house!" Juniper exclaimed after a while, being the only one of them large enough to peek over the corn growing everywhere. 

"Damn bucko you are super freakin tall, how old are you anyways?" Millie asked, pulling behind the cart with the cannonballs. 

"Just turned 13!" Juniper proudly said, pushing out his chest. 

Moxxie perked up. "Only thirteen?"

Then he turned towards his boss "You better watch your language around this child, Sir!" he threatened with a raised index finger.

"You can bet your limp baby dick I do not fucking care Mox" Blitz flipped him off, as he pushed aside the last of the vegetation, stepping out onto the garden of the farmhouse. 

They'd reached their destination. 

"Allright M&M, you set up the Cannon, the lanky fuck and me are gonna secure the target." he ordered.

"Awesome!" the teenager exclaimed and went to follow Blitz. 

The two snooped around the house, and peeked in through an open window. The living room was totally cramped, with dozens of porcelain dolls in various sizes. All of them were staring in the same direction with their dead glassy eyes. An involuntary shudder went down Blitzo s spine. Talk about a creepy overkill, humans were so fucking weird sometimes.

Looking a bit closer at the back of the tall kids head, which was currently in his field of view, Blitzo noticed something weird. He reached up and pulled at Junipers hair. 

"Ouch! Hey, what the fuck you do that for?" the teenager cursed and turned around. He rubbed the back of his head where Blitzo had just plucked out a feather. 

  
  


"Damn, those are feathers? I thought this shit was your hair?" the Boss said, looking at the black quill in his hand. "So you're like actually only half an imp, explains why ya look so freaky" the boss stated. 

"Hey, rude! " the kid exclaimed poutily. Then the boy brought up both of his forked tail ends, where the black feathers were also patchily growing. 

"But yeah, it's all feathers instead of hair, I've got them in some other places too, like my tail here." he explained.

"Lol weird, so you're some type of bird or what?" Blitz asked.

"Guess I'm a bit of a mix and match, I don't really know my parents though. The guys in the orphanage said some fancy dressed imp dropped me off when I was still an egg." The teenager explained. 

"Dang, didn't need to know ur entire fucking life story." Blitz said, rolling his eyes. Then the boss sighed, remembering he had no family left as well. Not since that incident at the circus.

"Sucks to be an orphan though" he showed a hunch of sympathy.

"It is what it is" Juniper shrugged, having long accepted his situation. 

Suddenly there was movement, as someone in the house came down the stairs. An old lady waltzed out in her slippers and bathrobe, curlers in her hair. She stirred the teacup in her hand and went over to sit on the old-school sofa, starting to talk to the creepy dolls. 

"Ohoho that's her, get ready kid" Blitz said, pulling some duct tape out of his coat pocket. 

  
  


~~~

  
  


After what Blitzy had told him, Stolas was almost entirely sure that someone had meddled with his memories. 

There were only a few demons in all of hell who were able to do that. Sighing, Stolas walked through the big archway into the lounge, where his wife was reading a book and yelling at the poor tiny imp butler to bring her some more wine. 

"Stella, I think we need to talk" he said, plopping down in the seat next to his wife. 

"Oh, my dearest husband, what a rare occasion, to have you come to talk to me. Why I believe the last time you did that on your own volition was 5 months ago." she spat venomously, not even looking up from her book. 

The prince simply sighed. "Look Stella, I know our marriage has been even worse lately, but this is not what that's about" 

"Yeah I figured. So why is it you're splitting your oh so precious imp dick focus to me today?" she asked, taking a sip of the new wine glass the butler had just brought her. 

Stolas took a deep breath.

"I have reason to believe you have altered some of my memories" He stated without much preamble, poignantly staring at her. "I cannot rember… certain happenings from one of our early family visits to Loo Loo Land. Blitzy told me about some interesting things." 

The other bird snorted snidely. "Was wondering how long it would take your idiot dumbass to figure that one out. Guess you and your dirty imp don't have a lot of conversations." 

"So you really did manipulate my memories!!!" Stolas yelled, anger flaring up in him as he jumped up from his chair. 

"Yes I did! And I would do it again!!!" she shouted, shooting up from her chaise lounge as well, throwing away her book. 

"Why would you do that Stella? I thought-"

"Oh shut it!" His wife silenced him immediately. "The audacity of yours!!!!" she started to rant aggressively, her white feathers spreading out in pure anger. 

"It was supposed to be a nice family day out, but noooo, you just had to go and fuck that dirty little clown, in broad daylight too!!! You and your fucking low class imp fetish!!!" She paced around the room, wildly waving her hands around.

"And now, years later, you ended up fucking the same little filthy peasant again! Unbelievable!!! But you know what, you utter embarrassment? The worst of it all was that FUCKING EGG!!!!" Shocked, his wife's eyes went wide and she slapped her hands over her beak, but it was too late as the words were already out. 

"What egg?" Stolas asked, a red looming angry aura beginning to swirl around him." What else did you erase from my mind?! " he demanded to know. 

She crossed her arms before sneering derogatory at her husband.

"Oh, You absolute pathetic dimwit! You know what we discussed, the night before that trip to Loo Loo land?" 

" No…" Stolas said, unable to recall anything. Had she erased those memories as well?! 

"We were in bed, talking. You had been pestering me for ages about wanting another child, as if Octavia wasn't enough trouble already." she pinched her forehead. 

"I actually agreed to your endless asking, if only to shut you up. Then you sprang up, ran off, and locked yourself in your study for the rest of the night, all while mumbling something about ‘trying out some fertility spells’." she made a short pause. 

"Then, the next day we headed to that disgusting grotty theme park." her gaze went darker, eyes narrowing in anger at her husband. "Where you had fucking sex with that stupid clown imp of yours behind a shoddy tent." 

She took a deep breath "And, then, a week after your disgusting romp with that filthy little imp, you actually ended up laying A. FUCKING. EGG!!!! " she ended, her shrill screams cutting the air. 

"I…. What? Me?" Stolas asked, taken aback and utterly confused. He definitely hadn't expected this. 

"Yes _you,_ you horny halfwit dumbass! I don't know what kind of fucking spells you used the night before, but you managed to get yourself knocked up with a disgusting imp egg, simply like that!" Stella spat at him, revolted. 

"And then you acted like it was no big deal! You lowlife lover didn't even mind, oh nooo, instead you were actually fucking exited about that filthy bastard kid!!! You absolute disgrace!!!" she screamed, smashing her wine glass on the ground. 

Stolas sat there, in shock. He tried to process the new information as best he could. So not only did he and Blitzy really hook up way before, but he had somehow managed to have a child all those years ago?! An actual child?! This was a lot. 

All he could do was to just sit there, frozen, as his wife kept on ranting violently in the background. 

After a few minutes Stolas spoke up again. 

"What happened to the egg?" he asked quietly, a feeling of dread looming up as he interrupted Stella's flow of harsh insults. 

"Oh, you arsehole were so fucking jolly and cheery about that fucking bastard abomination, it was disgusting. Gushing about how Octavia would finally have a little sibling to play with, pah, as if she was ever gonna even interact with filth like that." she sneered, shaking her head in disbelief. 

"Of course, I could never allow that to happen. So I altered your memories while you were sleeping. Then I gave the egg to a servant and told him to get rid of it." she admitted, not an ounce of remorse in sight. 

"No way I would ever have some fucking half imp bastard child running around in my palace! On second thought, I should have just fed that horrible thing to one of your stupid plants myself, that would have been way more satisfying." she ended, her eyes narrow pink slits. 

A red glow filled the room, as Stolas beamed bright with dangerous, barely contained magic. It took him every ounce of self control to not simply smash his wife to pulp into the nearest wall." GET OUT OF MY FUCKING SIGHT!" he demanded furiously, appalled by what she'd done. 

"YOU CAN THANK ME LATER FOR KEEPING OUR REPUTATION AND THIS WRECKAGE OF A FAMILY INTACT!" she screamed, stomping out and slamming the door closed. 

After she was gone, Stolas sunk together on the armchair, starting to violently sob into his hands at the thought of the child he never got to meet. 

  
  


~~~

  
  


"Dang weirdo, you've been looking at those files for hours now. Take a fucking break kid" Loona suggested, gesticulating over to Juniper, who was hunched over the reception couches. Spread out around the kid were all the folders of the 'still to be located' targets. 

"But I finally figured it out!" the kid whined, highlighting a sentence with a green marker. 

"Suit yourself, loser" the hellhound said, taking a swig out of a whiskey bottle from under her desk. 

"Guys we got a bonus!" Blitz exclaimed, walking out of the meeting room, where he'd just finished the report for today's murder. Their client had payed right away, much to the Boss's joy. He was considering getting everyone a milkshake in celebration.

"Soo, how's my favorite unpaid intern doing?" the Boss asked, strutting over to the kid on the couch. 

Promptly, Juniper jumped up from his endless piles of documents.

"Here, I am like 100% sure I found this mobster dude!" the boy declared excited, holding up a profile folder as well as his phone. 

"He's got a flower shop in Canada now!" Juniper said, showing Blitz the website on Voogle. 

The boss took the phone and looked over the information.

"Damn that's actually him! Looks like he got a new name and a nose job! Nice work kiddo!" he nudged the boy. "Ya got some sort of secret power or something?" he whispered conspiratorially, before laughing. 

The teen nervously laughed along, rubbing the back of his head. 

"Well, It's just fun to figure stuff out! I actually love to read crime novels n stuff." he explained. "Sometimes I do that to earn an extra buck, since we don't get any pocket money at the orphanage. There's lots of people out there who just wanna track someone down to rip up their ass!" the boy explained, wafting a hand through his feathers.

"Not a bad business model" Blitzo nodded appreciatively. 

"But now it's time we go and off that mafia boss, that fucking contract has been overdue for at least two months now." he turned around. 

"Loony, one portal to Canada please!" he asked with a sugary sweet voice.

"Annoyed, the hellhound put aside her phone and grabbed the blue-golden book from beneath her desk.

While she flicked through the pages, Blitz quickly grabbed his other two employees. "Mills, Mox, pack your guns you suckers, we're doing another one today!" he yelled into their break room. 

"Overtime again, Sir?" Moxxie asked, shaking his head as he and Millie walked out. 

"Yep, we'll need all the help we can get to take out that spaghetto mobster!" the boss made clear. 

"June's, you're coming along as well!" he said, turning back to the kid. 

"Can I get a gun too?" the teenager asked, eyes wide with anticipation. 

"Sure" the boss said, grabbing a pistol out of his coat and throwing it to the kid. Juniper caught it with a loud celebratory woohoo.

"Sir, I don't think the child should come along, this is a possibly dangerous mission!" Moxxie intervened. 

"Oh he's gonna be fine Sweetie!" Millie said, giving her hubby a reassuring pat. "Let the kiddo have a little fun as well!" 

In the meantime, Loona had opened up their portal. 

The imp crew climbed through the hole in their office wall, into a small dark alley, which was right behind the flower shop of their target. 

Just before the portal closed, Juniper finally managed to get a good glimpse at the mysterious books cover, something he'd been trying to do ever since he started his internship. 

"Was that a goetic sigil on the book? " the teenager inquired. He hadn't been able to make out the golden print the first time he'd seen the hellhound use it. And he really wanted to know how IMP managed to get access to the mortal realm, which was a rare thing to find in hell. 

"Maybe you shouldn't stick your nose into everything kid, someone's gonna bite it off." was all Blitz had to say to that. 

Millie looked out at the street, checking if the coast was clear. "Alright boys, we're good ta go!" She exclaimed, waving at them to follow her. Much to Junipers surprise, they simply entered the _Vancouver Flower Emporium_ through the main entrance, in plain sight, as if they were normal customers. No one else was in the shop, except for a worker, who had his back turned to them and was busy putting together a flower arrangement.

Blitzo strut up to the counter, casually leaning against it, and tapped on the bell. 

At the sound of the ring, the cashier turned around, only to freeze as he saw the 4 weird creatures standing in the plant store. 

The one that was standing in front of the registers grinned brightly at him, showing off sharp yellow teeth and flicking its tail.

"Howdy!" The odd creature greeted him.

Deciding that this was probably just some prank for TV or Youtube, the cashier found his composure back.

"Hello, how can I help you?" the employee asked, putting on a bright customer service smile.

The red horned demon thing held up a photograph.

"We're looking for the owner of this ugly shop. ya know, he used to have a crooked nose and was called Kaspar Gladio." the creature leaned over the counter and got very close to the employees face. "Be a good little bitch and fetch him for us, would ya?"

A short pause ensued, the employee leaning back from the odd intrusive demon.

"I'm very sorry, but I don't know this person" the cashier responded. Unbeknownst to the imps, he tapped on the little panic button beneath the counter. A button that was _definitely_ not for calling the police.

"I'm certain I will be able help you instead, please, tell me your complaints" he assured the odd thing.

"My complaint is that you're not fetching us your head honcho" the horned creature said, sticking out it's forked tongue with a prrrrrrr.

"Sir, maybe we have the wrong address?" Moxxie, the voice of reason, intervened.

"No way, this is the place!" Juniper insisted. He had, after all, triple checked his information. "That mobster must be around here somewhere!" The boy insisted.

"Well we're not gonna leave here until we find that fucker, cuz I'm not paying our client the fucking deposit back!" Blitzo made clear.

"There goes my Phantom of the Opera tickets for tonight" Moxxie murmured sadly, shaking his head.

"Guys I think we're getting company!" Millie yelled pointing outside the storefront. Two black vans had just arrived with screeching tires, and a bunch of people in fancy suits with guns stepped out.

"Oh crumbs" was all Moxxie could say, before the shop door was kicked open by a massive guy sporting a blonde moustache, barely fitting through the frame. It was Kaspar Gladio, their target. 

The armed men and women in suits swarmed into the building behind their boss. Before IMP had any chance to regroup or even pull out their guns, they were surrounded by the mobsters. 

"Heard you were looking for me" the big guy exclaimed with a heavy italian accent, towering over the imps. He laughed heartily, but his gaze conveyed that there was no joking with this man.

"I'm afraid I don't take kindly to" he waved his massive prank at them " …whatever you folks are… sniffing into my little business." Kaspar glared, and the room temperature seemed to drop ten degrees.

All of the imps gulped in fear.

"GET THEM!!!" The mobster yelled out the order to his men.

"Shit, shit shit SHIIIIIT" Blitz yelled, as they ran through the hail of bullets. They were under rapid fire from three different directions. Around them, due to the bullets raining everywhere, the vases and Flowers splattered into colorful confetti.

In the haze, the imp crew jumped behind the cash register, to take cover and avoid being pulverized. 

Finally, a short moment for them to catch their breath.

"Heavens, those guys have some really shitty aim, especially for organized crime peeps." Moxxie pointed out. 

It was true, none of them had been hit by a bullet. The cashier hadn't been as lucky, lying down in a bloody puddle next to them, riddled with holes like a good swiss cheese. These mafioso assholes didn't seem to care too much about shooting their own folks.

"Wtf kind of ammo are those fuckers using?" Blitz asked, while the bullets sirred past them. They all had a faint red glow, and not a single one had even grazed the imps during this hefty crossfire. 

"Wow, how weird" Juniper said, looking nervous. The teen was also hiding his hands behind his back for some reason. 

"Good thing I packed this!" Millie exclaimed, grabbing a pink hand grenade with a skull painted on it out of her pockets. She pulled the pin out with her teeth and threw it over the counter. 

A loud earth shattering **BOOM!** with green flames erupted, and the gunfire ceased immediately. 

Slowly, the imps peaked over the counter top. The furniture and mobsters were strewn all over the place, in neat little pieces, smoke rising from the still burning carnage. 

"Holy shit, those Cherri bombs are epic, Mox, remind me to buy like twenty more of these". Blitz ordered.

Juniper and Millie went ahead to check the body parts, to see if they'd managed to fuck up their target with the blast as well. 

"Sir, we barely have enough budget left for the electric bill" Moxxie reminded his boss.

"Well I guess we have to cut it out of your paycheck then" the Boss said, giving his employee a shitty grin. Before Moxxie could respond, there was a loud _Argarghhjj_ sound, ringing from Blitz's pockets. 

"I told you to mute your phones on the job sir!!!!" The smaller imp complained, while his boss fished around in his coat for the annoying device. 

Blitz pulled out the burner phone, which had YOLO written on its case.

"What?" he bellowed into the electric device. 

There was a little inaudible mumble from the other end of the line. Blitz pinched his forehead with an annoyed groan.

"Listen Bitch, it's not a full moon" he spat into the microphone.

The voice at the other end murmured on about something for a bit, while Blitz rolled his eyes. 

"Geez, alright, fine! I'll come over tomorrow night if it's really that important, but u better not try any bullshit" he declared, hanging up the call.

"Who was that?" Moxxie inquired curiously.

"No one important" Blitz announced, before he demonstratively threw the phone away. 

With a loud splash, it landed in the water of a vase that had miraculously survived the blast. Blitzo watched it sink to the bottom of the glass, giving off some gurgling pathetic fizzles as it died in the water.

"Ah fuck, now I gotta buy another one!" 

  
  


~~~

  
  


"...I have tried to find out which servant was in charge of disposing of the egg, but none of my employees could tell me anything." the prince sighed sadly. "Stella probably erased all of their memories, along with Octavias and mine. I would've at least liked to know what happened to our child… " he finished, burying his feathered head in his hands. It was quiet for a while, after Stolas had finished his lengthy explanation. 

"Holy shit" Blitz whispered. He was sitting next to the prince on the bed. The imp didn't know how to react, being hit with all that information out of the blue and trying to work through it somehow. 

So Stella could erase memories, and he'd managed to knock up Stolas all those years ago?! What? Just knocking up a prince of hell like that? He really could've used that ego boost back then. Damn, this situation was so weird. He wondered what that kid would've looked like had it lived to see the day. He felt a little morose, imagining some kind of odd imp-bird mix, while Stolas sniffled next to him. 

Suddenly an image of Juniper popped into the imps mind. No wait, that couldn't be, right?

"Hold up, that kid would be about thirteen now, yeah?" Blitz asked. 

Stolas looked up, wiping away the wetness in his eyes. "Yes, that would've been their age. Why do you ask?" 

"Okay, call me crazy or whatever, but we have like an imp kid as an intern this week." Blitz began "His name's Juniper. The boys super fucking tall, about the right age and he told me that some dude dropped him off at the orphanage as an egg. So definitely some bird DNA. Maybe-" the imp stopped, and quickly shook his head. "Ach, Probably just some stupid coincidence" he dismissed his train of thought. 

But Stolas had peaked up with interest. "Do you have a picture of him?" he inquired. 

"Yeah holdup, we took some cuz he's supposed to do some stupid portfolio at the end of the week." The imp said grabbing his phone. 

He scrolled through a bunch of selfies and horse pictures, before finally showing the owl a picture of Juniper, dabbing victoriously next to some pieces of smoking mobster corpse. 

The prince took the phone out of Blitz's hand to take a closer look. 

"Ya know thinking about it, everything fits surprisingly well." Blitz began to recount "He's got some white spots and even has these small spikes and markings on his weird tail, just like I do! Not to mentions the lanky fuck is as tall as Loony! Only odd thing is his feathers, no idea why they're black." the imp said while Stolas intensely mustered the photo. 

"They do seem to have a blue tint to them, though." the Prince pointed out. "My feathers used to be black as well, they grew lighter with age" the bird elaborated. 

"Well Shit" Blitz realized. "So it could actually be him?!" he asked, looking at Stolas with questioning eyes. 

"It is a possibility" the Owl said, now ghosting over the picture with his fingers, smiling at it with a hopeful gaze. 

Blitz rubbed his head.

"Do you got like, some spell bullshit or something we can do to check if he's our kid?" the imp inquired. 

"Cuz if we have to use one of those spit tests from the drug store, those are only accurate half the time." He remembered that one time he'd done one of those with Loony just for fun, and the thing had claimed that she was his grandmother. 

"No worries Blitzy, I have just the thing we need!" the prince exclaimed excitedly, jumping up from the bed and strutting over to the large bookshelf. 

  
  


~~~

  
  


"Yo kid get in here" Blitz called from his door. 

The teen put away the large victim folder he'd been looking at, and walked over to the Boss's office. 

"Hello Juniper! It's a pleasure to meet you!" the kid was greeted by a large shadow as he entered. Surprised he looked up. 

"I-is that Prince Stolas?" Juniper asked, his eyes wide, recognizing the tall, powerful demon Prince, who was sitting in the office as well for some reason . 

"Yes, now plant your ass down" Blitz ordered. 

"Be nice to the kid Blitzy!" The goetic prince intercepted. 

"You two know each other?!" Juniper wondered, looking between the two very unmatching demons.

"Yeah, Probably a bit too well" Blitz groaned, at which Stolas snickered flirtatiously, giving the imp a playful boop on the snoot.

"Ooooooh so that explains how you guys have access to the living world" Juniper realized. 

Then the prince took out a big old dusty tome. It was quiet for a few moments, as Stolas flipped through the book in his hands, searching for the right spell. 

"What is going on exactly?" the kid asked. 

"We're just doing a little thing, nothing to worry about" Blitzo said, not really disclosing any further information. 

"Erm OK… Why do you need a book on ancient demon ancestry for that?" Juniper asked, pointing to the large tome in Stolas hands. 

"Reasons" Blitz stated, while the prince cursed under his breath, not being able to find the right page. 

"Should have put a bookmark" he muttered, quickly flipping through the many yellowed pages of the ancient tome. 

"You're not gonna sacrifice me for a ritual or anything, right? Because I'd rather not be" Juniper said, nervously shuffling on his chair. 

"Oh God sweetie no!" Stolas exclaimed, looking up from his book. "Never!" 

"Well at this rate we'll die of old age anyways before we figure this shit out" Blitz complained, poking the Millie bobble head on his office table. 

"I'd rather take my time and do this right, Blitzy, wouldn't you agree" Stolas snipped back. 

"Yeah, yeah we gotta make 100% sure if he's our kid or not" Blitz mumbled. 

Juniper blinked a few times as the words were processed by his brain. 

"WHAT! "the teen yelled, his eyes going wide, flipping between the two demons in front of him. 

"Shit, wasn't supposed to say that part" the imp cursed, at the sight of the agitated teenager, who had jumped up from his chair. 

"You- youre- fucking- trying to do a paternity test?" the kid gasped, looking at them both in shock. 

"Yes my dear, though the plan was to wait for the results first before telling you about it" Stolas explained, giving Blitz a judgemental side eye. 

"I can't believe this!" Juniper explained, hands shooting up to his head in excitement, ruffling his feathers. "You two are my parents!" 

"Now let's not get too ahead of yourself, there's probably a lot of fucking bird imps running around in the Seven circles, you just happen to match the description!" Blitz tried to calm the kid down.

"Ohhhhh I'm sure you have the right one" the teenager said, grinning widely and vibrating with excitement. 

"You seem awfully certain about this" Stolas noted. "though I do hope you are right, Juniper."

"I am! OMG this is so amazing" the giddy boy declared, bouncing about. 

"Ah, Found the page! " Stolas announced. 

"Bout fuckin time" Blitz exclaimed. 

Without further ado, the Prince went to place his hand on the book. A dark aura quickly spread out and filled the room. 

While the runes on the books pages started to glow, Stolas whispered some cursed words, in a language the other two had never heard before. A faint glow began emanating from Juniper, slowly growing stronger. 

Fascinated, the teen watched as the light spread out. Long strands of light began flicking out like snakes, as if searching for something. 

Two thick bright glowing lines had shot out, connecting Blitz, as well as Stolas to the kid in a strong fiery red glow.

"Well I'll be damned" Blitz declared, looking at the string of light connecting them. There it was, a confirmation of their blood relationship. The spell had successfully provided their result. 

"Oh my, it really is you! How wonderful! " Stolas cheered, tossing the book aside, and the dark spell aura disappeared immediately. 

He shot forward with sonic speed to give the teen a tight hug. 

Blitzo had also jumped up, quickly waltzing over and gleefully joined in on the hug with a big happy grin. "Well shit, Welcome to the family Junes!" he smiled up at the kid. 

The both dads were happily embracing their child for the first time, holding on tight. After a few minutes of super emotional extreme hugging™, they parted again. 

"Wow, I can't believe it, Prince Stolas is my dad!" the kid exclaimed joyfully.

"Hey now, don't forget about your cooler dad who's a fucking badass assassin!" Blitzo complained, looking up to Juniper. 

"How could I?" the kid smiled happily. 

"One question though my dear?" Stolas inquired.

"Yes?" Juniper responded, still with a big smile on his face.

"Why were you so sure about this?" the royal asked curiously. 

"Yeah, How the fuck did you know?" Blitz joined in. 

"Oh, that's cuz I can to this!" the teenager laughed. Then he raised his hand, and a red magic glow appeared around it. 

The magic lifted up all the furniture in Blitz's office, floating it around in the air in a red mist. 

"Damn, my kids got magic!" Blitzo whistled, impressed. 

"I haven't really shown anyone these powers before, I don't even know all that they can do." the teenager admitted, as he clumsily dropped the furniture back down, with a few of the pieces toppling over with a loud crash. 

"Oh, don't worry my dear, I will teach you!" Stolas offered, filled with excitement. 

"Alright June's, it's time to grab your jacket" Blitz declared, patting his boy on the shoulder. 

"Why?" the kid asked.

"We're going to your stupid orphanage to fill out some adoption papers!" The imp declared, determined.

~~~

"Juniper, dear, while I appreciate your creativity in storytelling, you were supposed to do a report of your internship from last week, and not a self insert fanfic." Mrs. Mayberry said, leaning tiredly on her teacher's desk, handing the kid back his portfolio. 

The teen just grinned widely, as he accepted the paper graded with a C- and went out of the classroom. He quickly ran over the school grounds and out of the gate, where the IMP van was already waiting. 

Juniper jumped in, while stashing his report into his backpack. The whole IMP gang was present, including Stolas and Octavia. 

"Alright kiddo, first official big family trip, where do ya wanna go?" Blitz asked from the passenger seat in the front. 

The teen settled down comfortably between Stolas and Millie on the backseat. 

"I've always wanted to go to Loo Loo Land!" he began excitedly "I heard they finally finished rebuilding it!" he told them, seeming very eager to go there. 

"Oh God please no!" Octavia groaned loudly, pulling down her beanie. 

There was an awkward silence, hanging in the air for a few moments. 

"I'm afraid that's not gonna work Juniper!" Moxxie called from behind the steering wheel. 

"Why's that?" Juniper asked, putting on his seat belt. 

"Oh dear" Stolas muttered, looking away and nervously scratching his beak. 

"Because" Loona said, typing away on her phone. 

"All these shitheads got a lifetime ban, after they managed to burn it down last year." 

"That was you guys?!" the kid realized, looking at them with wide eyes. 

"Yep!" Blitz declared proudly. "Fuck Loo Loo Land!" 

  
  


~The End~

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> And then they went to Lu Lu World instead, and lived happily ever after! o3o (also Stolas got a divorce)
> 
> Juniper is gonna be the world's best detective one day, watch out Batman!!!
> 
>   
> all the art was drawn by lil ol' me
> 
> Hope u guys enjoyed this little thingie!!!


End file.
